Something I’ve done before on this blog is speculate about what would happen if you somehow acquired a loyal corps of hensgoons. This time, however, I’m looking at the evil genius who actually runs this blog. Well, sort of.
The question that’s been rattling around my head is: what would happen if Wile E. Coyote finally admitted that one coyote cannot do everything and hired some staff to help him in his never-ending, gloriously unsuccessful quest to capture the Road Runner?
More specifically: what if Wile E. Coyote hired the Minions from Despicable Me?
According to Minion lore, they spent World War II hiding in a cave, conveniently preventing them from “helping” Hitler, Stalin or Hirohito in the same way they’ve helped every other master they’ve ever served: by accidentally making everything worse. Once we leave that cheerful bit of history behind, we can focus on Wile E.
We know the first time we see Wile E. chasing his nemesis is in Fast and Furry-ous in 1949. We also know the Minions eventually meet Gru in 1968. That gives us a roughly twenty-year window in which the world’s most determined coyote could, in theory, have recruited an army of yellow assistants.
At first glance, it sounds like a good idea. Wile E. could spend more time coming up with increasingly elaborate plans while the Minions handle construction. After all, somebody has to assemble the rocket-powered roller skates, giant slingshots and other ACME-certified health-and-safety violations.
The problem is that we’ve seen what happens when Minions follow instructions. This is a workforce that managed to create a fart gun. They are enthusiastic, loyal and surprisingly good at causing explosions, but precision engineering is not exactly their strength.
Even if Wile E. limited their role to assembling devices from his blueprints, something would inevitably go wrong. A bolt would be fitted backwards. A spring would be upside down. A rocket would be attached facing the wrong direction. The result would be exactly the same as every other Wile E. plan, except the catastrophic failure would arrive slightly earlier and with more banana-related confusion.
In fact, I suspect Wile E. would eventually fire them all. Not because they were incompetent, but because their incompetence would interfere with his own carefully curated incompetence. Wile E. takes pride in designing absurdly dangerous contraptions that inevitably injure himself. The Minions would be stepping on his turf.
So, in conclusion, I don’t think the Minions would help Wile E. complete his master plan. They managed to help Gru steal the Moon and occasionally get home in time for the girls’ recitals, but catching the Road Runner is a completely different challenge.
After all, Wile E. Coyote has spent decades proving that one genius is perfectly capable of failing on his own.
