From the ACME catalogue to world domination

Being an evil genius takes a lot of work. It’s not just as simple as getting your well thumbed ACME catalogue out and turning to a random page and placing the order.

First you have to research your idea.

This maybe something like capturing and eating a Road Runner, Tweety Bird or a Tasmanian Devil. This can also be a lot grander such as trying and take over the world or plundering the planet for its precious metals. That last one does tend to take a lot of time for this primary phase and will involve a little more than a large elastic band and a bowling ball!

Once you have got all of the data related to your scheme be that prey or thinking on a larger outcome, then you can start constructing your plans.

You can’t just jump into your catalogue now as the next step involves having to design your plan on paper. These days it tends to be more on a computer using Sketch-up or Autocad than heading to the drafting board with a multiple range of pencils.

Acme productsWhen the plan has been finally drawn, we can start to have a look at what’s available from the ACME Catalogue. Sometimes they do involve having to order a Terra-forming anvil – just don’t get this one shipped by the ballistic air-drop method as localised earthquakes may occur and destroy a small amount of the planet – or a small rubber band, the ACME catalogue has it all.

Now we have to decide how to get these items to our lair. This has been mentioned before on this blog. I sometimes choose the air-drop method but the tracking software seems to be slightly off as 9 times out of 8 it tends to land smack-bang on my head. Even when I’m inside the cave! Next day delivery is normally good enough. The shipping rates from the company are reasonable even for the largest of item ordered.

Time passes whilst we await the ACME van to arrive.

Wile E. Coyote blows himself upWhen all of your order arrives – make sure you check that you have everything before you start. It’ll be embarrassing / life threatening if you miss that small, vital, spring.

Now we can start constructing the device. Hopefully you can pass this over to your loyal workforce of minions to put the device together. This saves the burnt fur smell that tends to linger in the cave for ages. This will save time as well – assuming that you have a ready supply of minions. Who cares if one or two dozen end up in parts over the R&D department’s testing hall. They can be easily replaced from the clone bank or a card in the local corner shop.

Millions of minionsWhen all of the dangerous bugs have been ironed out of the design. Mostly by trial and explosion, then we can wheel it out and set it up in the location of choice. Be that a road, front room of an old lady’s house or a large field in the middle of nowhere.

Now comes the hardest part of all the plans. Waiting for the right second to flick the switch and put all that work and minion bits onto action. Press it at the wrong second then you could have wasted all that time and just gone down the road to the local supermarket and got a ready meal for one.

Take over the worldIf all goes to plan and you hit the button at the correct time then all your worries are over. You have your prey or the love of the whole planet before you enslave them for your further evil plans.

The next stage I will leave to you, or another post sometime in the future. That may involve recipes for your prey or pointers for your tenure as “our lord and master”… That’s for another day.