Cave, Volcano or self build?

With the Despicable me 2 hitting UK cinemas shortly, this is the last part of the series that I did quite a good number of years ago over on my main blog. That was talking about the Minions and their uses.

This time, as I have already covered hiring of staff.  I’ll be talking about what sort and where to locate your headquarters.

As you will be aware, all good Evil Geniuses need somewhere to live. design, and construct your contraptions as well as your normal day to day evilness.

These locations can be broken down to three different types.  These being:

1) Cave – This is the simplest solution.  All you need to do is wander around the countryside until you stumble across a cave that is big enough for you needs.  Caves can always be extended and expanded but it is always better to start off with a large cave.  It does have its downsides but this can be overcome by experimenting with colour.

Caves a good plae for a hideout?

2) Volcano – Nowhere near as simple to construct or even to find than the previous option, as you will need to find an extinct volcano somewhere on Earth that won’t suddenly re-erupt at a moment’s notice half way through the retro fit so causing the project to be put back a great deal.  As an evil genius you can’t worry about the loss of life as you can always hire someone else – just remember to go non-union as they are cheaper and, seem to, don’t ask as many questions.

Volcano hideout

This build does have the same issues as the first type.  That being that most of the time this will be in the middle of nowhere and could look suspicious when a large number of trucks, ships and a large number of people are making their way to a location nowhere near civilisation.

3) Self Build – This is the most ambitious of the three options and probably the hardest to keep quiet from the meddling aspects of the locals, and, in today’s climate of terrorism, international, law enforcement officials.

You may have to provide plans for your idea.  This may seem like an issue but just send the plans for the above ground, 3 bedroom, two bath residency and then hire a specialist conversion team to dig out the secret lair below in, hopefully, total secrecy.

Self build

Specialist conversion companies can be expensive but if you want absolute secrecy when constructing things you shouldn’t be then this is the way forward.  You should know what companies that offer this services.  Don’t  you think that the Evil Geniuses of the world have a list of suitable contractors that are trusted to keep quiet about some of the projects that they get involved with.  Most of the time you will be able to find a contractor that will be able to get everything you need.

I have touched on the idea of where to locate your secret lair.  Yes, it may seem a great idea on paper to build your lair on an island in the middle of the ocean.

Tracy Island

If you do think this is a great idea the stop. Think about the costs of getting everything there and then slap yourself around the head.  It may seem a great place.  It does, I will admit, have some advantages. Good 360 degree visibility and it does make invasion by your enemies, law enforcement, hostile governments or a lost party from Burnley.

Somewhere more practical and based near utilities is a lot better solution. This can still be in the middle of nowhere – Just set up a farm or research base in, say, Utah.  This will give you some sort anonymity as well as the chance of picking up some grant money from one of the governments you are trying to overthrow.

Farming research base

In conclusion: If you are starting out with being an evil genius and have outgrown your parent’s basement then a cave maybe the ideal start of your new careerer.

When you outgrow this lair then you can go down the “James Bond” school of evil and find your own volcano.  Not a good idea for the reasons mentioned earlier.

The most expensive way is the self-build – if you couldn’t have worked that out in the first place.  This does have advantages as you can set your lair up exactly the way you need it.